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Everyone faces loss sooner or later, but we find it difficult to talk about. When someone brings up the topic of farewell, we tend to brush it aside with conversation killers -- well-meant phrases that shut down the conversation. 64% of Dutch people consciously or unconsciously use these kinds of phrases. This way, we avoid the conversation with our children, parents, colleagues, friends or partners. Or we do not know how to act in conversations with someone who is grieving. And yet, talking about farewell and loss can actually improve the quality of life.
The conversation killers below were central to the 2022 SIRE campaign in the Netherlands about talking openly about loss.
'My condolences, see you Monday.'
1 in 10 employees experiences burnout after losing someone close to them. So keep checking in. Ask how they are doing. That helps. And know that a few days off is sometimes not enough. In fact, 26% of bereaved people return to work too soon.
'You are young, you will be pregnant again in no time.'
15% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That means the chance of someone in your circle experiencing this is significant. It is important to realise that a miscarriage is more than an unfulfilled wish for a child. A loved one has also been lost. That deserves a full grieving process.
'Maybe you should just start dating again.'
People who are grieving benefit more from understanding than from solutions. Ultimately, grief is about living with loss, rather than suppressing it. Acknowledge the sadness and do not judge.
'Can we talk about something more cheerful?'
We have placed farewell somewhat outside of everyday life. 1 in 3 people never talk about loss. Yet this conversation can enrich your life and bring people closer together. 45% say that a conversation about farewell is valuable and gives peace of mind. So do not postpone the conversation.
'Well, it was a good age.'
Although well-meant, putting loss into perspective is never helpful. Even when someone has reached a respectable age, that does not mean they are missed any less. Loss is simply sad.
'Come on, you are not going anywhere for a long time.'
1 in 3 people never talk about loss or are afraid of it. Yet many people feel the need to talk about later. Do not avoid that conversation. We all face it eventually. Besides, age is not necessarily a valid reason to postpone it, as roughly 23% of passings happen unexpectedly early.
'So sorry, hang in there.' / Text message
Text messages and social media are a welcome addition to more traditional forms of mourning. We are more connected than ever. But they do not replace personal contact. Sometimes it is better to help loved ones in real life. Suggest, for example, that you come by this week to cook for them. Offer something, rather than leaving the initiative to them.
'Let us just go to the pet shop tomorrow.'
It is very understandable that we tend to keep heavy topics away from children. But they can often handle it better than you think. Besides: what you learn young, you carry with you. Acknowledge their sadness and be open. That gives trust and a sense of safety. Because by keeping loss away from them, their imagination takes over. And that can sometimes be more frightening than reality. Learn here more about grief in children.
'It was meant to be.'
By suggesting that a bereaved person should simply accept their loss, you shut down the conversation. Putting suffering into perspective makes those left behind feel they should hide it. That is precisely the opposite of what they need. Talking helps with processing. Bereaved people benefit more from having the conversation than from having it cut short or ignored.
'There is still plenty of time for that.'
We postpone talking about farewell until the last moment. Yet it is meaningful at any age to talk about it. Still, 60% of Dutch people have not yet discussed or documented their own wishes. That is a shame, because sharing your wishes in time gives peace of mind and confidence. For yourself, and for your loved ones.
'Hey, life goes on.'
A grieving process is not about 'forgetting the loss' but about learning to live with loss. That process is different for everyone. It can take a month, or years. It is therefore not for others to decide whether someone has grieved enough. Sadness does not have an off switch. Moreover, bereaved people can be overwhelmed by grief later on too. For many, the deep sense of missing someone only begins after a few months. So it is good to be there for them later as well.
'You will be back to your old self in no time.'
It is understandable that you want to reassure someone who feels farewell approaching. But not everything can be fixed, and farewell is part of life. So if a loved one wants to have this conversation, do not hold them back. Not for their sake, and not for yours either. Because 37% of people do not feel they have said everything they needed to say or have taken their farewell peacefully.
'Maybe it is nice to take your mind off it for a bit.'
Offering a distraction is better than telling someone to seek distraction. Be the distraction someone needs. And be understanding if someone does not want that. Sadness is allowed to be there. Uncomfortable? You are not alone. 38% find it difficult to talk about loss. And 68% do not take the initiative to start the conversation.
'At least it was not immediate family.'
The personal bond you have with someone is separate from a biological bond. It is not necessarily sadder when loss occurs within the family. What someone means to another person is personal. So be careful with terms like 'at least' in the context of loss. Whether it concerns a pet, an acquaintance or a parent -- in all cases, it is about someone who is missed.
'I know exactly how you feel.'
You do not. Because every loss is different, and so is the grief and the pain. Even when you have lost someone yourself, you never know exactly what the other person is going through. But that is a good starting point for a conversation. Ask how someone feels, and show empathy rather than dismissing the conversation.
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